马利亚的自白

• 白果莓果

  2023-08-30
  他们以为我不懂他们渴求的复杂性可现在什么都逃不过我，除了睡觉。睡觉离我而去。也许是我老得睡不着，或是从睡觉里得不到再多益处。也许是我无须做梦，无须休息。也许是我的双眼知道，不久它们将永远合上。若逼不得已，我会醒着不睡。我会在破晓时分，在黎明让曙光悄悄潜入这间屋内时走下楼梯。我自有我守候等待的原因。在最后的安息前迎来这漫长的觉醒。知道那会结束对我而言足矣。他们以为我不理解世间正在慢慢壮大的东西；他们以为我看不出他们问题的要义，注意不到当我说出某些不得要领或愚蠢的话、某些对我们毫无用处的话时，当我似乎不记得他们认为我必该记得的事时，恼怒如无情的黑影，蒙在他们脸上，或藏于他们的话音中。他们过度禁锢在自己庞大而无法餍足的需求里，因我们那时共同感受的恐怖的余悸而变得过于迟钝，未曾注意到我什么都记得。记忆和血肉一样，注满我的身体。他们供我衣食，保护我，这让我欢喜。作为回报，我会为他们做我能做的事，但仅止于此。正如我不能呼吸另一人的呼吸，不能帮助别人的心脏跳动，使他们的骨头不疏松或皮肉不起皱一样，我说不出超出我能述说之外的话。而我明白，这一点让他们多么着急，那叫我莞尔，这种热切的渴求想在我们共同的遭遇里找出可笑的掌故或鲜明、简单的范例，只是我已忘了怎么微笑。我不再需要微笑。正如我不再需要眼泪。一度，我以为自己其实已无剩余的眼泪，我用尽了我储存的眼泪，可幸好，这种愚蠢的想法并未耽留，很快为实际情况所取代。眼泪，若真需要，总是有的。是身体制造了眼泪。我不再需要眼泪，那该是一种释然。
• Issac

  2023-08-28
  They were often silent at first, uneasy, needy, and then the talk was too loud; there were too many of them talking at the same time, or, even worse, when my son would insist on silence and begin to address them as though they were a crowd, his voice all false, and his tone all stilted, and I could not bear to hear him, it was like something grinding and it set my teeth on edge, and I often found myself walking the dusty lanes with a basket as though I needed bread, or visiting a neighbour who did not need visitors in the hope that when I returned the young men would have dispersed or that my son would have stopped speaking. Alone with me when they had left he was easier, gentler, like a vessel from whom stale water had been poured out, and maybe in that time talking he was cleansed of wha...
• Issac

  2023-08-28
  I had never heard anyone talk about the future until then unless it was tomorrow they spoke of or a feast they attended each year. But not some time to come in which all would be different and all would be better. Such an idea swept through villages like a dry hot wind at that time, and it carried away anyone who was any use, and it carried away my son, and I was not surprised by that because if he had not gone he might have stood out in the village, and people might have wondered why he did not go. It was simple really - he could not have stayed.
• 苏夫佳

  2015-09-16
  I tell the truth not because it will change night into day or make the days endless in their beauty and the comfort they offer us, we who are old. I speak simply because I can, because enough has happened and because the chance might not come again. It will not be long maybe when I begin again to dream that I waited on the hill that day and held him naked in my arms, it will not be long before that dream, so close to me now and so real, will fill the air and will make its way backwards into time and thus become what happened, or what must have happened, what happened, what I know happened, what I saw happened.
• 苏夫佳

  2015-09-16
  We found lodgings in the city. It seemed strange to me as I passed each person, or saw groups of people to whom I would never speak, whom I would never know and thought how odd it was that we looked the same, or appeared the same, moved on the same earth and spoke the same language and yet we shared nothing now, not one of them knew what I felt, or shared anything with me. They looked utterly apart and alien. It seemed astonishing to me that I carried a burden that no one could instantly see, that I must have looked ordinary to everybody I saw who did not know me, that everything was held inside.
• 苏夫佳

  2015-09-16
  They [the disciples] were often silent at first, uneasy, needy, and then the talk was too loud; there were too many of them talking at the same time, or even worse, when my son would insist on silence and begin to address them as though they were a crowd, his voice all false, and his tone all stilted, and I could not bear to hear him, it was like something grinding and it set my teeth on edge, and I often found myself walking the dusty lanes with a basket as though I needed bread, or visiting a neighbour who did not need visitors in the hope that when I returned the young men would have dispersed or that he would have stopped speaking. Alone with me when they had left he was easier, gentler, like a vessel from whom stale water had been poured out, and maybe in that time talking he was clea...
• Aulis

  2019-11-24
  他施展的神力，说来奇怪，那竟让我比以前他没有神力时更加爱他，更想设法保护他。不是因为我识破了或不相信这种神力。不是因为我依旧将他视作小孩子。不，我看见了一种既定的、真正堪称神奇的威力，形成产生。我看见了某样似乎没有来历、不知从哪儿冒出来的东西，我试图在睡梦中、在醒着的时候保护这样东西，我对那怀有一份永久不变的爱。我爱他，无论他变成什么样。
• 白果莓果

  2023-08-30
  我记得的太多：我像风平浪静日子里的空气，凝止不动不让任何事逸走。和世界屏住呼吸一样，我守住记忆不放。所以，当我告诉他兔子的事时，我不是在向他讲述某些我已淡忘、因他的坚持追问而才记起的事。我告诉他的那些细节，这些年一直陪伴我，就像我的手或臂膀陪伴我一样那一日，他想要掌握详情的那一日，他要我一而再再而三为他重温的那一日，在混乱的一切当中，在各种恐惧、尖叫和呼号中，一名男子靠近我身旁，他提着一个笼子，里面关着一只愤怒的大鸟，那只鸟，喙异常尖利，目露凶光；翅膀无法完全展开，这个限制似乎让鸟沮丧愤怒。它本该在飞翔、捕猎、俯冲扑向它的猎物。那名男子还提了一个口袋，我渐而发现里面装着近半袋的活兔子，一群精力旺盛、惊恐万状的小生命。在那座山冈上的数小时里，在走得比其他任何时光更慢的那几个小时里他从布袋中一只接一只抓出兔子，把它们塞进开了一道小缝的鸟笼。那只鸟先从它们柔软的下腹部某处下手，剖开兔子的身体，直到内脏四溢，接着当然是兔子的眼睛。如今谈起这件事不难，因为那稍稍转移了对真正在发生的事的注意力也因为那毫无意义，所以谈起时没有困难。那只鸟似乎不饿可也许它的饿是一种深度饥饿，连扭动挣扎的新鲜兔肉都无法满足。笼子里有一半地方堆满了半死不活、完整没被吃过的兔子，发出奇特的吱吱声，因过去进发的生命力而抽搐。那名男子的脸上神采奕奕，周身焕发出一道光，他看看笼子然后环顾周围的情景，近乎露出暗喜的微笑，布袋尚未清空。
• 懋

  2024-05-07
  我还需要把泾渭区分开。自那时起，我要让梦复归原位，让那属于黑夜。我要让实际发生的事、我看见的事、我做过的事，属于白天。我希望有生之年的我能充分识别这两者的差异，直到死为止。我希望我已经做到了。
• 懋

  2024-05-06
  那些天里喜笑颜开的人们和普天的疯狂会使你心醉神迷，直至可能爱上一个小丑，倘若他走得够近的话。
• 懋

  2024-05-04
  我们打定主意，一直小心不作太多交谈，不培养太亲密的关系，因为我们俩知道，他将离去。
• 懋

  2024-05-01
  我这一辈子，每当看见两个以上的男人在一起时，便看到了愚蠢，看到了残忍，而愚蠢是我最先注意到的。